Gawyn (OOC): She's an assasin! She's an assasin! Ask her if she's an assasin! That would be neat!
Onan (upon having hired a prostitute): (OOC) Fine, fine, but I still think you're crazy. "You're an assasin, aren't you!"
Elf girl: "Why yes." (whips out her knife and attempts to kill Onan)
Onan: *&@#$!
DM: You find the three hundred gold in her bodice.
Lelenia: (OOC) What?! And Onan didn't notice that she was a little disproportionate? Didn't she jingle when she walked?
Onan: You don't see anything falic about your tower at all?
Mage: No. Do you want me to take care of this evil gem for you or not?
Water monster thingy: BLOOP!
Shellzy: Oh, it's cute!
Onan: And I ravage the bodies!
DM: You ravage them? Okay...The rest of the party looks at you a little strangly as you drop your pants and go for the dead lizard men...
Onan: SEARCH! I meant SEARCH!
Lelenia: Out of character, you're an idiot, Gawyn.
Shellzy: Why was that out of character?
DM: A glop of green ooze falls on your head. What are you going to do about it, chrome dome?
DM: Would you like to search the rather gooey remains of the paladin?
Shellzy: We walk around the mud puddle.
Gawyn: And I grab the rope as it swings and swing across.
DM: Make a dexterity check, please.
Gawyn: 9.
DM: And you fall into the mud with a big splash!
Lelenia: You could have gone around . . .
DM: . . .But if you fire at the frog, you have a 10% chance of hitting Shellzy, since she's in its mouth.
Gawyn: 10%? Nah, I 'm not gonna hit her. I shoot at the frog doing . . .7 points of damage.
DM: (rolls) And you hit Shellzy for 3.
DM: 16 . . .
Lelenia: Whew!
DM: . . . and a 21.
Lelenia: I hate you.
Lelenia: Anyone else need healing?
DM: I do.
Gawyn: They're eeevil . . . They killed a good character!
Shellzy: Who?? Bill the Donkey??
Gawyn: I don't think you'll have to worry about that too much-- it should come to blows pretty quickly.
Lelenia: It's a sword fight! Of course it will come to blows!
Dyson (wizard): Well, I suppose its possible to pick it through non-magical means . . .
Onan: Do you have any idea where our donkey is?
Dyson: I don't care about your ass.
Onan: I'm a meanie am I?
DM: Damn right.
Onan: "How did you know I killed her?" "Her little habiya told me."
Shellzy: "How did you know I killed her?" "i brought her back and she told me."
DM: And it's the villager's turn.
Lelenia: You stole my orange juice!
DM (to Onan who is riding his smoke horse): And they attack you on your high horse.
DM: Well, I'll go tell him, but I don't think he'll be too keen . . .
Gawyn: He's already got one?
Gawyn: What kind of magic?
DM: Oh I hate this . . .
Gawyn: You could just tell me the spell and I'll figure it out . . .
DM: as you try to take them off . . .
Shellzy: Oh drat.
DM: They come off.
DM: And you also find a small monstrous scorpion . . .
Gawyn: I cast--
DM: . . .stuffed.
Shellzy: And then he rends you, and then he twists you, and then he mushes you up--
Onan: And boy don't you feel like play dough.
Shellzy: And then he says, "hey! a dradle! I made it out of clay!"
Lelenia: They wouldn't happen to sound like howlers, would they?
DM: No, actually--
Lelenia: They sound like something much, much worse.
Lelenia: I hate my life. I should keep my mouth shut and stop being so stupidly self sacrificing.
Shellzy: Kill the velociraptor! Kill it! Kill it!
Lelenia: Kill the velociraptor, she says. Yeah, suuure. No problem.
Lelenia: I don't get half-cover?
DM: . . .yes . . .so he'll just go for Onan.
Lelenia: So much for self-sacrificing.
Lelenia: Hway, hway, carnage, hway hway!! Oh wait, I'm good....
Lelenia: And I shall pound out jingle bells on the shields.
Onan: Did he have a name?
Orc: He was just the master.
Shellzy: He is the M394 L33+ M45+3r!!!
Lelenia: No more Megatokyo for you!
Shellzy: n0 5|_|ch +|-|!n9 45 +00 Muc|-| M394-T0|<y0!!!
Gawyn: I'm protecting our goblin friends.
DM: All the goblins have been trampled.
Shellzy: We rest our case.
Lelenia: I create water for the donkey.
DM: You have a new best friend with big ears.
Shellzy: Couldn't we, I don't know, gently fluff him instead of throwing him?
DM: And you artfully "fluff" the rat through the door.
Lelenia: Let's go out and kill some stuff--oh wait, I'm good.
Onan: Search the body!
DM: Well, it's kind of got a horse on top of it . . .
Lelenia: I cast Holy Smite at the evil horseman thingy.
DM: And it arcs away from him like two positive ends of a magnet.
Lelenia: Wait a minute--that can't miss anything evil!
Gawyn: Ah, but he is an angel . . .and his name is Michael--and Michael isn't pleased.
Onan: What were these people's names?
Mule: Dunno.
Onan: Have you ever seen this horseman before?
Mule: Dunno.
Onan: Do you know why they were trying to leave?
Mule: Dunno.
Onan: Do you know the speed of light in a vacuum?
Mule: Why yes, of course!
Lelenia: We just tried to prostitute our male donkey.
Onan: Excuse me, but being an elf, I think I should know something about being, well, elves.
Gawyn: I rub the key to polish it.
DM: The key starts to smoke. A big booming voice says, "Is it further to Shepear or by camel?"
Gawyn: Yes!
DM: It's a mat made out of human hair and skin that says "Welcome."
DM: . . . with greyish skin, wings, about 4 feet, yellow eyes, well-defined muscles--
Shellzy: Mmm, hunky!
DM: You could charge him.
Onan: With a scroll of inflict light wounds? I paper cut thee!! Wha! Ya!
Lelenia: And it's going to kill us.
DM: Yep! Well, maybe.
Onan: Doesn't he take a range penalty?? That's over 200 feet!
DM: None whatsoever.
Shellzy: And it goes "AAGH! I'm allergic to kender!! Achoo! Achoo!" and we've got manticore snot all over.
Onan: That doesn't do anything to him at all?
DM: And he takes a circumstantial -1 to all Charisma checks since his mouth is gaping open.
Shellzy: Shoot. I need some clay. Did we see any mud anywhere?
DM: His skin looks like it's made out of clay . . .
Shellzy: i'll just run up and lick him, shall I?
Shellzy: So the little grey thing just suddenly says "Wait! Let me look it up . . . it must be in the DMG somewhere . . ."
Shopkeeper: So this guantlet was worn by a god.
Onan: Yes.
Shopkeeper: Riiiiiight. So how come it's so rusty?
Onan: Um . . . well, his avatar died.
Shopkeeper: Then why would I want his rusty old gauntlet?
Onan: You could charge people like a hundred gold just to put it on and feel the power!
Lelenia: Fluffed it through the door?
Shellzy: That's what we said. I wrote it down.
Shellzy: Ph34r m3y3 l33t n3kkid skillz!
Lelenia: That's not something a kender should ever say.
Lelenia: Gawyn?
Gawyn: Yes?
Lelenia: You're developing an English accent.
Onan: I kick it.
DM: You dump the the water that was in it.
Onan: Yay! I've kicked the bucket!
Evil Priest: Who are you and what do you want?
Onan: We're your maker. Pleased to meet you.
Lelenia: Yeah . . . taunt the big nasty evil cleric, Shellzy, go ahead.
Evil Priest: I've seen to many Bond movies to fall for that one.
Gawyn: Oh, you're into investment banking as well!
Onan: (to the evil priest of the temple of air to the Elder Elemental Eye, upon her declaration that we a) couldn't be there and b) were sacriligious) So why are you so offended that we're here? I mean, we like air...
Evil Priestess: Who are you and what do you want?
Shellzy: You know, we seem to get that a lot.
Evil Priestess: You must leave. Now.
Shellzy: We've been getting that a lot recently too.
DM: She rolls a 70 for her attack. (pause) Does that hit you, by any chance?
Onan: Holy sh**
Lelenia: Swords of Elemental Evil--collect them all.
DM: There is a ball of swirling orangy red light with little bones circling around it.
Shellzy: Evil disco ball of death!
DM: There is nothing in the chest of drawers except clothing and personal affects.
Onan: What personal affects?
Shellzy: You know, tampons, lacy underwear, fishnets . . .
DM: There is a secret comparment in the back of the chest of drawers.
Onan: And inside is a pair of men's underwear with little smiley faces on them.
DM: The books are basically evil and vile, dealing with demons, air elementals, and unsavory practices . . . some, unfortunately, with pictures.
Shellzy: Kama Sutra.
Human: Who are you and what do you want?
Onan: I think the question is, what are you doing?
Gawyn: And with ogres too. I mean, I know you're only a human, but still.
DM: There's nothing in the wardrobe but nicely pressed clothes.
Onan: I wonder where he found a dry cleaners around here.
Onan: Hello.
Ghost: (blinks)
Onan: I see you've got a slash through your chest.
Ghost: (stare)
Onan: So, dead, huh? I was dead once.
Gawyn: So this gold magical ring is somewhere in this pile of gold coins?
DM: That's where you're detecting magic. Dig, Gawyn, dig.
Lelenia: Hmmm...Do I have any soul sucking spells? I should be a cleric assassin...Oh wait, I'm good.
Gawyn (standing in front of the doors which, when opened in correctly, cause the person or thing going through them to explode): I'm so tempted to have a garden party here . . . you know, open the doors and say 'okay, it's time to go now' and boom! boom! Thud! boom! Boom!
Lelenia: You know, he could just sort of carry us under his arms like footballs.
Shellzy: You are a strange looking football.
Onan: Can we pause for a moment and use our telepathic powers to communicate instantly and decide on a course of action?
DM: A crowd's beginning to gather again.
Gawyn: An ice storm would clear them out real quick--boom! wham! thud thud thuthudhthudthuthud!
Gawyn: This guy must have lit up like a Christmas tree with detect magic.
Onan: What do you think you look like?
DM (looking at epic level handbook): ooooh...devestation beatle, level 50--it's destroying a town! Cool!
Lelenia: Oh, it's cute!
Gawyn: A verbal contract is binding in the state of Wisconsin.
Shellzy: We're not in Wisconsin anymore, Toto...
Onan: So we cross the bridge four abreast, arms linked, singing and skipping--
Shellzy: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!
Gawyn: Yeah, in full plate mail.
Onan (nothing can explain this, sorry...too long...): This looks like a job for key man!
DM: They fly down. They're spidereaters, 40 ft by 10 ft face, and they've got riders.
Onan: To me? But I've got clearence!
DM: Reeeaaally.
Onan: I was too damn arrogant with this key thing, wasn't I?
Shellzy: Un peux.
Lelenia: Un petite peux.
Gawyn: Anyone back where you're from who would pay to have their lineage told to them?
Onan: Like there full lineage? With names and everything?
Shellzy: And what exactly is there to a lineage without any names, pray tell?
DM(to Gawyn): It's magical.
Gawyn(to Onan): It's magical.
Onan: 19 plus..what the hell is my search...
DM: You get over to the pedestal. Ooooh, shiny...
Shellzy: Woohoo! I'm rubbing off!
Gawyn: So what was that activation word again? Dwarf is tasty?
Shellzy: Moriden is yummy.
Shellzy: Can I go pet the wall?
DM: Okay, you fly down and hold Shellzy to the wall.
Shellzy: Gawyn, it's a wall.
Lelenia: I wonder if Gawyn can polymorph into an oyster with pearls inside.
Shellzy: But if we took them out, what would be missing when he changed back?
DM: And they'd probably only be worth like 20gp.
Shellzy: Yes, they'd probably be rather small, wouldn't they?
Gaywn: (whimper)
DM: And next to the pillar is a 12 ft. diameter gong. There doesn't seem to be a hammer.
Lelenia: Well, we could always use Shellzy . . .
DM: So yeah, there's a nice red dragon with Shellzy in its mouth.
Shellzy: Why does everything decide to eat me?
Shellzy: Don't mind me, I'm just a gory little blob in the corner.
Lelenia: So I'll use my one useful offensive spell, which--(rolls vs. spell resistance)--stinks!
DM: There's someone in the street.
Gawyn: Let's go see who it is.
DM: And it's the obvious hint man!
Obvious Hint Man: Well, they've got twelve scrolls of ressurection, and I've got...1d6 of them.
Obvious Hint Man: I have a scroll that will take care of your food problems.
Onan: Of create food?
O.H.M: No...
Onan: Of create $hitloads of food?
DM: Make an intelligence check.
Onan: 20.
DM: Crap.
Onan: I'm a smart un.
Mindflayer: What do you want?
Shellzy: Again?? Nobody asks anything original.
Onan: (to the pit demon who is surrounded by a 10 ft. radius of flames and looks bored) So do you know where the ice machine is? We've been looking all over...
Gawyn: (to the pit demon, as above, having just snorted fire at us) You know, that's really cool. Will you show me how to do that?
Shellzy: It's kind of like hocking up a lugi.(does anyone else get the feeling that we weren't taking this demon as seriously as maybe we should have? Well, lucky us, it was only an illusion so it couldn't use a wish spell.)
Onan: Slave, how long have you been mopping this floor?
Slave: Three and a half days, sir.
Onan: Well, you're working kind of slowly aren't you?
Slave: What do you mean, sir?
Onan: Three and a half days ago, you were told to mop this floor, and you're still working on it.
slave: We were never told to stop, sir!
Gawyn: (to a slave in the outer thane of the temple of the "elder elemental eye") How many hours do you work a day?
Slave: 32, sir.
Gawyn: I can gauruntee you that you will never work more than 24 hours a day if you come with us.
Lelenia: (having just switched places with a grell) Please tell me I'm not in an alternative dimension with 144 grell.
Gawyn: No, now there are 143 of them.
DM: You round the corner and catch a whiff of urine and filth.
Gawyn: We're coming up on the Republican Convention!
Lelenia: Anything dead yet?
DM: (laughs)
Onan: Slaves are expensive.
Gawyn: Well, we can always sell them.
DM: Ooooh...and the other fiendish dire lions can't attack because they're stuck in the hallway behind those two...Can't they get around them somehow? The lions in front can move simaltaneously out of the way of the lions in back...
Gawyn: I'll vouch for that if you can give me proof that they do ballet or synchronized swimming or something.
DM: And the lions in front do graceful backflips as the lions in back move forward, landing perfectly behind them.
Shellzy (with the unseen observer): 9.2, 9.1, 9.5, 8.7 . . .
DM: (about the lions after a bit of a fireball) And the two in front die, as well as the one in back with the black numbers. (Ah, the dangers of using dice as additional figures)
Invisible Succubus: And why do you want the item?
Onan: Well you see, there are these three elves and a kender invading the outer thane...
Gawyn: (to slave of "Elder Elemental Eye") Oh stop groveling...everywhere we go, it's always grovel this, grovel that--
DM: And I'm not worthy...
DM: (about the tongueless slaves) On the plus side, they can't talk back at you.
Onan: Damn right.
DM: And he's jumping up and down like a newborn.
Lelenia: Newborns jump??
DM: So where are you going?
Onan: The soda machine.
Vister (an overly zealous elven paladin girl who really wants to fight a troll on her own): Pull the lever! I'll fight it myself! I am sure that the goodness of my soul will win out over this evil.
Gawyn: Have you ever thought of joining campus ventures?
DM: The linen appears to be magical.
Shellzy and Onan: The linen??
Onan: Boy, if only Hedrac knew it was really the sheets and not her the whole time...
Shellzy: And you end up with a demonic face on your boob.
Onan: And in the middle of the day its like "I need sunlight!"
DM: Shellzy would be upset if Senda died.
DM: There is a small font.
Onan: I wonder if they're fans of Times New Roman.
DM: You realize that it is no normal drop in temperature, but a chill to the soul. The room behind you is in complete darkness.
Gawyn: Ah, high school.
Lelenia: Let's go kill him. Oh wait, I'm good. Oh wait, he's evil.
DM: He's a little grizzled looking. Congrats. You've found Hedrac.
Shellzy: And in the movie, he's played by Anthony Hopkins.
DM: You know, if this was a movie, Tharizdun would have the voice of James Earl Jones.
DM: (after Shellzy went skipping around yelling "Varachan! Ohio!") His name is Tychon.
Lelenia: Are they all named after Japanese School girls?
Onan: (to the telepathic animated door) So Mr. Door, how many hours do you work in a day?
Lelenia: We're all going to die.
Onan: No, first we have to get through the door. (to the interior of the black spike...dun dun dun...)
DM: (as we try to solve a puzzle in which a horn must be blown three times under the appropriate circumstances) So, who's going to toot their horn?
DM: You've found the orb of silvery death.
Gawyn: If we sit on it, maybe it will hatch.
DM: (after Lelenia drew the devil from a Deck of Many Things--which evil thing should come after her?) How 'bout the guy who takes the place of those once called Satan and Lucifer?
Gawyn: George Bush?
DM: No, Asmodeus.
Onan: Bush is just their monkey.
Gawyn: I'm going to shoot a fireball at Onan's feet.
Onan: We've already discussed this, Gawyn. Aim at my chest.
Gawyn: I shoot at Onan's chest.
Shellzy: (after Lelenia got swallowed by a dragon tyrannosaur thingy) And the dragon starts singing "I've got you under my hide..."
Lelenia: (when the above beasty swallowed Onan too) Fancy meeting you here.
Shellzy: Fancy eating you here.
Onan: (as his figure comes off its base) Oh, I've come unglued!
Onan: The destroyer is not for incessant petting.
Lelenia: Isn't there an opposite to the book of vile darkness?
Onan: Oh, yeah, the book of pukey goodness.
Gawyn: We should get liquid pain in jars.
Onan: Liquid pain for the showers, you said?
Onan: Give the destroyer some dignity! Stop looking under his tentacles! Not even I do that.
Gawyn: I'm not evil.
Onan: Stop lying! Lying is evil!
Gawyn: I'm not evil!
Shellzy: (to Lelenia, who has Blade Barrier cast upon her and is fighting the first--very evil clericy fellow) Go give the nice man a hug.
Lelenia: Don't tempt me.
Shellzy: Exactly! she's a good cleric! Carnage, death, destruction, corpse bits everywhere!
Gawyn: Microsoft!
Gawyn: The 'yn' is pronounced 'd.' It sounds like 'gawd.'
DM: You could carve it into a crown and make it appear to be magical.
Shellzy:Ah, the crown of 'Gawd.'
Onan: Which brings up an interesting question: what's the speed of evil?
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